I miss my laugh. You know, the laugh that I always thought was too loud? The laugh that an acquaintance of mine made remarks about one day when we were both in a Wal-Mart store and she said, “I knew you were here, I could hear you laughing all the way on the other side of the store.” That’s the laugh I miss.

I didn’t realize until about 6 weeks ago when I suddenly woke up with a hoarse voice that continues to worsen and simply won’t improve because my right vocal cords are paralyzed, how much of my personality is reflected in my voice. What I say and the tone I say it in is an important part of how others deem who I am. How crazy is that!

For a few days I was put on total voice rest. I was still sitting at my desk, but it was as if I had become invisible. Since I couldn’t respond, people stopped talking to me. I don’t know when I ever felt so lonely -- well, except when I was married to my ex-husband. It was like I was trapped inside of myself. I still thought of all the snappy comebacks I would use if someone would only talk to me, but I couldn’t verbalize them. My ability to laugh at myself (out loud at least) lay paralyzed in my throat and as a result the desire to laugh was drowning in a deep pool of tears that were always just below the surface. Actually I wanted to scream. God, I couldn’t even cry out loud. Even the expression “for crying out loud” lost its significance to me.

And now - I have this weird little laugh - like someone stepping on a broken squeaky toy. It comes out in short uncontrollable bursts that disappear into breathless wheezes. My words evaporate into silent gasps for breath as I voice them. And sing -- forget it. I used to sing karaoke for hours at night much to the distress of my little Chihuahua. But that is who I am -- the old gal with the loud laugh and snappy comebacks that loves to sing. And I need my voice back so you will remember who I am also.

Yes, I really miss my laugh.

© 2008 Ilene Madrigal

Happy Mother's Day to All the Good Mothers In the World

You know I used to think I was a “good” mother because I was different than my own mother. She was a hugger …an “I’ll do it for you” kind of a mother, and I was a “don’t touch me, I’ll do it myself” kind of daughter. I interpreted her actions as “smother love” and “you can’t do it right.” ….so when I became a mother, I decided I would be a polar opposite of my mother. I was determined to let my little family do it on their own, learn the hard way, and “heaven forbid” I give them (particularly the girls) any “hugs.”

In retrospect, I see that although I encouraged (they say I screamed) them to do things on their own, I was still directing their every action from my “distant don’t hug me” place in life, and it makes me question what it means to be a “good” mother. It must be an age-old question that mothers ask because I remember Mama when she was in her nineties pondering what it meant to be a “beloved” mother/grandmother.

Well, Mama, you were a beloved “Mother.” I miss you. I miss hearing your laugh. I miss teasing you about “worrying” so much. Gosh, I even miss dusting the woodwork - well maybe not that so much, but it is one of my special memories of you. I miss all the hours we sat at the table and you helped me with my homework. I miss meeting you at Bob’s Grill and eating noodles on Thursday. I miss taking roast beef sandwiches with lots of onions, slaw, and custard pie to the nursing home those last days of your life. …but most of all I miss your touch because now I understand that you weren’t trying to “smother” me you were just being a “good” mother in the only way you knew.

…and now that I am older, I hope my children -- all of you -- think of me as a “good” mother, not because I have done everything right or even anything right, not because I was a different than my own mother, but because no matter what the circumstances I have always loved you since the first moment I laid eyes on you.

And maybe, Mama, there isn’t any one particular defining moment that makes us “good” mothers; maybe it isn’t about being “good” at all. After all is said and done, we both loved and love our children in our own different ways and there just isn’t any “wrong” way to love.

© 2008 Ilene Madrigal

Christmas 2007

Can you believe it? The Holiday Season has descended upon us once again – my third Christmas in North Carolina and I still love it here! As a matter of fact, I can’t imagine living anywhere else.

As usual this year has been a menagerie of endings and beginnings. I’ll just begin where I left off last year with my post script. Yvette and Bella had moved in with me, and Jesse and Jason were still with me so the house was bulging at the seams! In March, Jesse and Jason found a cute little place to live – well actually it is bigger than my house – about 5 miles from where I live. Jesse went to work for Time Warner in Raleigh but found the drive to be too expensive and is now with Alltel in Rocky Mount. Jason had a hip reconstruction surgery in October and will have the other hip done in April. He is doing very well. The whole family has pitched in and tried to make his life a little less boring while he is recovering. Jesse has gotten a clean bill of health from the doctor – lungs are doing great. He really is a miracle!

Yvette and Bella are still with me. We just celebrated Bella’s third birthday – can you believe that Jasmine turned 13 this year! Yuck, that must mean that I’m getting older! My pristine little home somehow now looks like a three year old lives there, but I’m so glad they had a place to come to, and it is a delight watching Bella grow. She seems to love her Nana – snuggles up with me in my chair at night – to delay having to go to bed! Jasmine is so busy – cheer leading, hanging out with friends – that it seems like I don’t get to see her very often, but it is nice to be nearby so that we can all be together for special occasions and on Holidays.

Amber and Raymond stay the same – working hard and enjoying their new home. I still tease Amber about forgetting that I live here when she fails to remember to tell me about things going on in their lives.

Mark is still in Kansas City – gone back to work and doing well. He makes a trip to Oklahoma occasionally to see his Dad and hopefully will get out this way one day soon. Milinda is on her own once again – both she and Yvette in the middle of divorces. I’m so proud of them – moving fearlessly on with their lives.

Now me – certainly a year of tying up some loose ends in Oklahoma and moving forward. Of course, I made my annual trip to Mississippi to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day at the Sweet Potato Queen Parade with Sherry and Mitzi. Oh yeah, we had a good time – Ron took care of us and kept us from getting into too much trouble! Then, I returned to Oklahoma in May and sold the farm (literally). While I was there, I visited and spent nights with my friends and resaid a lot of Good-byes. Mark drove down from Kansas City and we spent some time with Big Jesse – eating at all my favorite restaurants! It was a bittersweet letting go, but I realized that although my roots will always be in Oklahoma, my heart is in North Carolina and that I really wanted to be where my heart is.

And I do love North Carolina – all of it from the mountains to the ocean and back again. I met a very nice man in March, and since then we have traveled over every inch of North Carolina – with side trips into South Carolina, Virginia, and West Virginia with an upcoming trip to Tennessee. We take a lot of day trips and sometimes two days and just drive – come to a stop sign – take turns choosing which direction to go and just enjoy the trip. The destination is unimportant – the journey is what matters. He is a great photographer, and I’m not too bad myself – so we often make U-turns just to take that perfect shot of a bug crossing the road! We celebrated our birthdays (yes, he is an older man - one day older than me) at New River Gorge bridge in West Virginia – took in the fall foliage in the mountains, hiked at Chimney Rock and Pilot Mountain, took a boat ride on Lake Lure (where they filmed Dirty Dancing), have taken almost every ferry in the state of North Carolina, driven down the coast (Outer Banks,) climbed up light houses, fished (I let him catch the biggest one,) watched movies, and have just generally enjoyed life to the fullest.

Now then, my dear friends, Sister Nieces, and all my other relatives, when are you coming to North Carolina? I would love to see you all and
share the beauty of my new Home state. And my dear North Carolina friends, thank you so much for making my life in North Carolina some of the best days of my life. To you all -your friendship and love is the best Christmas gift of all.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to All,
And may all your days be Cheery and Bright!

Love and Hugs,
Ilene

Kisses can't Wait

I was running late for work. It takes longer to get “pretty” when you’re sixty-four! I had finally made it to the car – ready to put it in gear, when the little face pressed against my front door. I waved and then stopped. I know how much my beautiful little granddaughter loves to hug me good-bye. So – I called to her impatiently – “Hurry up, run, quick, I have to go, I’m late! “Run Bella” – now this is the morning that she decides to take tiny baby steps toward the car. As I looked at her – I thought. Ok, I may be late for work - so fire me – kisses don’t wait. All too soon, she will grow up – go away – no sticky sweet kisses for me then. I gathered her up in my arms and gave her a special hug and kiss that morning. Ah, this is what life is really all about – seizing the moment – savoring that precious kiss that I could have missed. And guess what – I got to work on time because when we listen to our hearts, time stands still and waits for kisses that can’t wait.

A Day Late and A Dollar Short

Finally I am getting around to posting my Annual Newsletter. Three weeks late and quite a bit more than three dollars short. Nevertheless, here goes!

Seasons Greetings 2006

Another year has passed already and here I am celebrating my second Christmas in North Carolina. The Season has descended upon us almost without warning it seems. One minute it was New Year’s Day and now it’s almost Christmas and time to reach out and touch all my family and friends – both old and new.

Gosh, where would I be without all of you? I am so thankful for those of you in Oklahoma and Kansas who stay in touch with me and make me feel a close connection to my roots. And I am equally thankful for new friends in North Carolina who are helping me establish new roots. Likewise my children and “sister” nieces and their families who are scattered all across the United States constantly remind me that family and friends are a condition of the heart – not a place in geography. What a gift from all of you.

Life is good. I am happy and content. Looking for a millionaire – as I am sure you are aware, it is as easy to love a millionaire as a pauper so I don’t plan to settle for less. In the meantime, I am working to keep a roof over my head and groceries on the table. The bank that I was worked for as a temp for 7 months finally decided in February that I wasn’t going anywhere so they gave me a full-time position. I enjoy the work even though I know I am supposed to be a Queen, be served tea and crumpets on a regular basis, and never have to work again – but that’s when I find the millionaire right?

I took several trips to the beach this summer. I met Yvette and Bella for our special weekend at Carolina Beach. Jesse and I went to Emerald Isle. Jasmine, her friend, and I went to Carolina Beach again. Amber and I went to Greensboro for a weekend. And one day when I was feeling lonely, I took myself to the Outer Banks and had a wonderful time. Nothing like enjoying your own company! (smile)

Jesse is doing wonderful. After a car wreck in February – ejected and air-lifted to a local hospital, he began to make life changes that are nothing short of a miracle. We continue to be good room mates and his partner, Jason, is also living with us. Quite a houseful in my little two bedroom home! Jesse is also working for the bank as a temp and has been promised full-time employment in January. The benefits are wonderful here at the bank and that is very important to us both.

Amber, Raymond, and Jasmine have settled into their new home just two miles from us and sometimes Amber actually remembers that I live in Wilson (smile). Yvette, Tim, and Bella-Dawn are still in South Carolina. Can you believe our little miracle baby is two years old already. Milinda and all her crew are way too far away, but always close in my heart, and Mark is still in Kansas City – we are coaxing him toward the East coast!

I hope the Holiday Season finds your spirits joyful and bright. May love fill your hearts and brighten all your days. And for all of you who are far away in miles, know that you are always in my heart, and that my door is always open. I would love to see you all.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
Ilene
Update: Yvette and Bella have joined our little nest here in North Carolina. We are bulging at the seams, but it is wonderful to have them here, knowing they are safe. Bella has grown so much, talking up a storm, and cute as can be!

Canoeing trip

The Reflection

It was like looking into forever. The reflection of the trees dressed in their radiant crimson and gold fall colors looked up at me from the depth of the water as the canoe glided silently along above them – a breathtaking moment in time in my new home of North Carolina.

One instant I would find myself looking up toward the sky – the trees in all their splendor looking down on me - a tiny ripple in time, and the next instant I would find myself looking down into a reflection so picture perfect that I scarcely wanted to breathe for fear of disturbing the view. And the silence – I could feel it – it surrounded me – enveloped me with a warm feeling of safety that comes only in those moments when you know with certainty that you are in the presence and a part of something so awesome that you have no words to describe it. And although I understand that it was never meant to be described, the humanness in me wants to share it with others.

So where do I begin? It was my first canoe trip. It was unseasonably cold for November in North Carolina. I was with people I had only met that very day. What was I thinking? I was thinking of new experiences - new friends – new possibilities, and I was feeling a great sense of adventure. It was a date with the unknown.

My shipmate – also my blind date – was a wonderful guide and teacher and well seasoned in the art of canoeing. He patiently explained to me how to “board” the canoe without “rocking the boat” too much – gave me the front seat so that I could power the canoe with my paddle – while he steered from his seat behind me. Although I was a novice, it felt natural from the moment we slipped out onto the mirror perfect water. There was such a sense of effortlessness of the canoe making its way along. I have always marveled at the grace of ducks slipping silently along in the water and I wondered if this is how they feel – like silk on velvet – almost disconnected from everything yet totally connected to the whole.

There was no wind – the air was invigoratingly crisp – the silence was deafening –the beauty was all inspiring - the peace was all-encompassing – and the trees stood perfectly still stretching tall into the heavens and then reflecting their exact image into the depth of the water – from forever into forever.
And I wondered? Is this how God sees us - created in His own image – reflecting His Glory for all the world to see? And I looked out into forever and felt a silent, “Thank you” rise up from my heart -- because there really is no need for words.

©2006 Ilene Madrigal