More on Age, Time, and Numbers

Well, I have had a few days to digest being 62 years old. It’s not so bad you know – sort of like my daughter says, “Better than being dead!” Anyway, I have decided that I really don’t have to tell anyone my age if I don’t want to. My new reply to anyone who asks (which they shouldn’t) will be, “How old do you want me to be?” And then I will be the age they suggest because I have already been that age and I know all about it. Of course, if they want me to be older, they will just have to look for someone who has already experienced that. I’m not going there (well yes, I am going there), but I’m not there yet.

This age thing is quite amusing anyway. Little kids can’t wait to get older. You ask them how old they are, and you will get a quick reply, “I am 6 and a half.” Somewhere along the line that changes –at what age do people become content to be just their age? Teenagers can’t wait to be 16 so they can drive, or 18 because that is legal drinking age in some places, and then 21 because suddenly they are adults. It’s like humans believe a number can magically transform a person into adulthood. I know people 70 years old who haven’t made it to adulthood yet – not mentioning any names here. Then by age 25, people are starting to say, “My God, I’ve lived a quarter of a century. But, you know you have made it the full circle when you start adding the half back in. I can remember that happening to my mother. People would ask her age and she would proudly reply, “I’m 96 and a half .” So it seems that it means you have to be really young or really old to be proud of your age. The child needs that half year to hurry life along, and older people need that half year to prove their longevity.

I personally stopped wearing a watch years ago when I realized that I only looked at it to see what time it wasn’t. You know – like I needed to be somewhere at 5:00 p.m., I would look and see it wasn’t 5:00 o’clock yet. Two minutes later I couldn’t have told you for my life what time it really was. All I knew it wasn’t 5:00 p.m. Anyway I have a pretty good intuitive idea of time -- close enough for me anyway, so I just stopped wearing a watch. After all, the rest of the world is wearing a watch; and if I need to know the time, I just ask them to see what time it isn’t. Maybe that would work with age, too. How old are you? Well, I’m not 100!

Another thing I noticed this past year is that time stands still in ICU. Even though I watched the clock for the moment that visiting hours would begin again, it was as though time was holding its breath -- time had no meaning. When people, like my son, are lingering closer to death than life, time doesn’t move – every moment is a gift. All days are the same. We arrived on January 22 and left on March 8, and time simply didn’t matter – winter had come and gone; and if it hadn’t been for the calendar that the nurses posted on the wall no one would have noticed. As for the one in the bed, he went to sleep one night so very sick, and when he awoke the seasons had changed. Time stood still for him, yet he lived without that measurement.

Now what would happen if suddenly there were no numbers? Would the world go stark raving mad? What if we woke up one day, and we just had the sun and moon as markers? My God, how would we know when our favorite TV show was coming on? How would we know what day it is? How would we calculate taxes for God’s sake? Well, not exactly for God’s sake more for the IRS’s sake. And more importantly, how would we know how old we are when we die so someone could record our age in the newspaper obituary for the whole damn world to see? Now what a tragedy that would be!

Enough of this for now before you begin to think I am obsessing over this subject. But one more thought before I go. What if we could only live life as if this moment is all we have, would we finally understand that this moment is all we have? Then age, numbers or time wouldn’t really matter at all, would they?

Today I Celebrate Life

First I have to tell you that this hasn’t been one of my most honorable transitions into a new year. I had a major pity party about becoming 62 years old (there I said it out loud and in print.) I had a similar fit when I turned 31 and obviously it didn’t change a damn thing, so why I thought wasting valuable time on another fit would do any good, I don’t know. Maybe it’s a cycle thing – so all of you who plan to be here when I turn 93, watch out! I will be really good at this by then. But enough of that, like most of my pity parties, I’ve grown tired of the whining. I don’t tolerate whiners very well and most of all myself playing that role.

Today I celebrate being 62 and bring alone. It took another trip to the backyard and another visit with nature to get my head on straight and my thoughts in order with what my heart already knew. I had to put a stop to the constant chatter in my head –“You are 62 and you are alone,” so that I could hear my heart singing, “You are 62 and you are alone!”

For the first time in my life I am free. Free to just be me. I can sit on my patio alone -- breathe in the breath of life and commune with nature without fear of displeasing anyone. Now this is a place of joy -- not sadness and loneliness. It is a place where all the universe comes together – where I can celebrate the knowledge that I am at one with the universal whole – that in some way although I am an individual alone on my own human journey, in reality I am never alone. I, a small piece of humanity, am part of something so great and so whole that there are no words to explain it. Now what could be grander than that!

…But it wasn’t so much being alone that bothered me about this birthday --this turning 62. It was about turning 62 as a single, divorced woman. It was about other people’s perception of what the age 62 means. I have always believed that age is just a number that humans assign to have a marker for where they are. I have also always believed that I am every age that I have ever been – so I could just pick one of those ages and be that for the moment. So what was my problem? Why couldn’t I pick 52 and stay there until this crisis was over. I have always felt years younger than my age – still a girl in my heart. What changed with 62?

Another thing I have never been much concerned about is doing or being something or someone just because of what other people think or say. I have always been very much a woman in my own right. Why now? Why was I so concerned about how others perceive my age? Then this morning as I studied the trees in all their magnificence, I began to understand. It isn’t really about other people and their thoughts. It is about how I perceive myself. How I perceive myself will manifest in the thoughts of others. If I feel young, I will be young, and others will mirror that image back to me. Like the trees that will soon be changing their leaves from the green of youth to the splendor of fall colors and shortly after stand naked for all the world to observe, I, too, am only changing form. No, I no longer exude the youthful appearance of 31. I am 62 – in the glorious fall of my life. Standing alone and tall (well, maybe not tall) and magnificent in my own right. And when I am 93, I will stand naked before you all -- the beauty of my youth will have long since disappeared, the magnificence of my fall will have faded, but I will not be ashamed. Because like the tree whose bare truck is exposed to all the elements during the harsh winter weather – yet lives on to bloom again, my soul is ageless and priceless and I will live again and once more experience the bloom of youth – perhaps in another form – in another time where numbers have no meaning –at one with all things.

But for this moment, I celebrate the number 62, I celebrate my freedom, I celebrate being alone and independent, I celebrate life in all its forms, and I celebrate being at one with the Universal Whole.

Today, I Celebrate Life.

©2005 Ilene Madrigal

And the Chimes Hung Quietly Above me... Listening...

What a lovely day it is. Are you all tired of hearing about how happy I am yet? But, I am, you know--so at peace. I just had the most wonderful communion with my trees this morning. They are teaming with life. They were so still this morning - the trees -- not the life within them -- their branches reaching for the beautiful, blue back drop above them - their tops inner twining their leaves with the fingers of the white wispy clouds above. So still - a gentle movement occasionally as a stray breeze slips through tousling their leaves gently. I sigh, remembering that touch -- hands caressing my hair - a sensual moment in time.

We began to listen and watch - me sitting on my back stoop and my chimes hanging there above so quietly. It was like we were both holding our breath - eavesdropping on nature - careful not to disturb the natural beauty and quietness. Listening for each individual sound and movement of life living in the shelter of those beautiful leaves. Some of the leaves are changing color now - falling - floating silently to the ground - no going out screaming and crying for them -- just a gentle letting go. A yellow butterfly fluttered by unaware of its own natural beauty. There was the squawk of the "watch bird" flying overhead with his/her silver tipped tail spread for all the world to see - if the world is watching -- but it doesn't matter - it soars on loudly calling out for anyone who cares to listen. And if you sit quietly long enough, you can see each individual bird moving about -resting momentarily on a branch -- brown - red -black - grey birds -- each one singing its own song. You can hear it, you know - when you are quiet - the individual tune of each bird as it all blends together into one lovely song. I don't know the names of these birds - their nationality -- they are just birds with a song of their own, but I absorb the blending of their message.

Ah, and the background singers to my left, the tree frogs sing bass with the tenor section on my right. A squirrel plays leap frog through the branches unaware that he is high above the ground with no safety net. A gorgeous movie of life playing right in front of my eyes, and the chimes hang quietly above my head.

God I love it! So yes, I am happy and I will say it again and again and again. It doesn't mean I will never shed another tear because I will you know, because tears cleanse the soul when it gets overburdened with its humanness.

And then when the time is right - the breeze will move the chimes and they will tinkle to the rhythm of the universe; and my heart will sing a song of delight, the birds will each have their individual tune, the angels will harmonize, and the tree frogs will play background. It will be a glorious sound - as we all sing together -- our individual songs-- and all Heaven and Earth will sway in Universal movement to the sound of one song -- and the song is JOY.

I struggled through the tears to the end of the rainbow and guess what? There was no pot of gold - just pure unadulterated joy! That's where I am now, and it is wonderful. (Ilene Madrigal 2005)

One of My Poems

How to eat an Ice Cream Cone

Never, ever eat an ice cream cone in one big bite.
You could choke,
and even if you don’t, it won’t be any fun.
The only way to eat an ice cream cone
is one lick at a time,
~savoring every tantalizing taste,
~letting the sweetness linger on the back of your throat,
~catching a drip with the tip of your tongue just before it falls,
~relishing each mouth-watering bite ~one lick at a time
...until it is gone.

...And since Life is like an ice cream cone,
to “seize the day” is far too much to digest,
like eating an ice cream cone all in one bite.
You could choke,
and even if you don’t, it won’t be any fun.
Life should be lived one moment at a time,
~taking time to savor the sweetness of every second,
~letting every delectable sensation linger on the senses,
~catching the savory pleasures with the essence of your soul
before they disappear forever,
~relishing each delightful moment

~one second at a time
...until it is gone.

Life is an Ice Cream Cone ~ Savor the Moment.

Copyright 1996 Ilene Madrigal
All Rights Reserved

I love this!

I said to the man who stood at the Gate of the Year,
Give me a light that I might go safely out into the darkness.
And he replied, Go out into the darkness
and put your hand into the hand of God.
That shall be more to you than a light
and safer than a known way.

King George V Christmas Message to British People

"Ah, Sweet Victory of Life - at Last I've Found You"

Well, now I have challenged my daughter to update her blog, I have to go first. I am having a wonderful week-end alone with me, myself, and I. All great company, I might add! Well, I haven't exactly been alone all the time. My daughter, the peacequeen; granddaughter, the real queen of the whole damn world;and my son-in-law, probably the only real decent man in the world, have visited several times. I love that, you know -- them dropping in. It is a new place in my life and one of joy.

Little update on my life now. I am still about the happiest person on the planet. Still loving my new home, life, and just being on my own. All is well that ends well they say (who ever they are), but I don't believe in endings just beginnings. Life is like a continuation of all things, all times -- never ending - eternity one moment at a time. I never understood the concept of having to die to get to eternity. I might change forms, but I will never die - now that is eternity and that is now. So now I am in a different place in eternity, and it is beautiful.

There is something about NC that I have noticed - the wind doesn't blow much. Remember I am Oklahoma born and bred - now folks I know about wind. When everyone in NC is hunkering down from the wind gusts, I am remembering a calm day in Oklahoma. One when the wind isn't blowing 40 mph. I wait breathlessly here for enough wind to ring my chimes. (smile) - and well maybe somebody to ring my chimes, too. It happened yesterday (not somebody - the wind) and I was delighted to hear the chimes tinkling in the breeze. But, I'm not complaining. I truly love it here.

OK, my sweet SC daughter, and my adorable NC son, I have updated my blog - now it is your turn. I will be watching with squinted eyes -- and you both know what that means! My peacequeen, you are a way ahead of me in this game, so no squinted eyes for you.

Much love to the whole "blogging" world.