Online Dating

You recognize them immediately if you are a people watcher like I am. They behave differently than people on a normal date. You know -- people who either have been friends forever, have been introduced to each other by mutual friends, or maybe just made eye contact somewhere, visited, and were attracted to each other. Not these people though – you can tell them a mile away – this is a Match.Com®, or whatever online dating service they happen to be using at the time, date.

For example, they usually arrive in separate cars, and it is often a lunch date. They look a little lost because they are searching for the person that looks like the online photograph they submitted, which was probably taken 10 years ago when they had hair, if is the man; or didn’t have a mustache, if it is a woman.

Now we will assume that both parties actually show up. That is one of the problems of online dating – the no-shows. This isn’t such a big deal for the man. What does he have to do to get ready for a date – slip into a clean shirt and jeans and show up. I am here to tell you, he doesn’t put 1/10 the effort into getting ready the woman does –- well unless he is gay and that is entirely a different story. But, for the woman, it is more complex. Now unless she is just drop dead gorgeous, and in that case she would be getting more dates that the law allows without going online, the woman had to spend a little time preparing. The dilemma – what should she wear? Something sexy – will he think she is a slut? - something conservative – will he think she is his mother? -- does it make her look fat – maybe he is into fat women! – should she dress up – go casual? By this time she is wondering if it is even worth it. Maybe she shouldn’t have used that Glamour shot picture of her daughter – what was she thinking? She puts on more make-up – feels like a French whore – washes some of it off – changes color of lipstick 5 times because she has changed clothes again. See what I mean, the woman has got a lot of time invested in this “lunch” date and then if he doesn’t show…

Speaking of the lunch date and separate cars …these are all recommendations of seasoned online daters. Always go in separate cars – never get into a car with a stranger and believe you me some of these people are strange. There are several reasons lunch is always recommended for that first date. For one, the excuse, you know just in case he/she is a real dud. The “I have to get back to work,” line is a tactful way to escape the guy/gal that hasn’t brushed his/her teeth in two years or is 20 years older than his/her profile picture. Or on the other hand, particularly for a woman (men have no problem with this) this guy may just be everything she has ever dreamed of (a good-lookin’, smooth-talking son of a gun with a butt to kill for and eyes she could drown in) -- it’s like they’ve known each other for ever and suddenly from only God knows where the hormones (you know the ones that have been dormant since she was a teenager) begin to rage, her toes curl, and she knows for certain that if this had been a dinner date all of her morals would have gone south and she’d be dragging this guy out the door by now. But you see a lunch date saves her from herself -- she HAS to go back to work and magically she walks away with her “I am a lady” status intact.

Now people watchers need to be strategically seated in the restaurant so they can watch the entire “online date” play itself out. The grand entry – the actual lunch – and then the grand finale. The ideal spot for the people watcher, of course, would be where they could both see and hear everything, but just watching is fine – people watchers have an active imagination. Now will this couple walk away like ‘strangers in the night’ – will they touch suggestively – will they move toward each other or flinch away from that touch – and most importantly who will pay? Now this is Ilene’s rule of thumb on who pays the tab. Being from the old school, Ilene believes that the man should pay – but also because she is a modern-day woman, Ilene believes she should at least offer to pay for her own lunch –but only if she likes the guy. If he is a dud – let him pay. It’s the least he can do for wasting her time, particularly if he spent more quality time with the waitress than he did her. Oh yeah, that one always gets the bill! In fact, her ex-husband is still getting the bill for that kind of behavior.

Finally, the best part for the people watcher is to be seated in a position of observation of the final moments of the date. This is that moment we have all waited for – the arrival of the departure. What happens in the parking lot completes the story. Do they shake hands? - ‘That---that ---that’s all Folks.’ That is the end of the line for this couple who never really were a couple. On the other hand, if they give each other a quick squeeze – you can be sure they will probably meet online later this evening – maybe even set up another date – it might even be a dinner date next time! But, if he walks her to her ‘separate car’ and gives her a gentle kiss on the lips, you can bet your bottom dollar, they are finalizing their plans for a hot date in the near future. However, if that kiss lingers and is repeated and repeated again – forget it - everything her mother ever taught her is going down the tube – forget separate cars – forget she just met this stranger an hour ago – forget work (didn’t she have some vacation time coming?) those raging hormones are running the show now. Oh yeah, they may leave in their separate cars, but in the vivid imagination of the people watcher the ‘Match.com® date’ has just begun.

©2005 Ilene Madrigal