My Dilemma

I have a dilemma. How do I portray myself to my children? In fact I am really confused. I suppose my confusion lies in the fact that I am unsure what they expect of me. I am a little hurt because I would never intentionally do anything that would upset my children; but I feel that I may have somehow crossed forbidden boundaries with them.

I guess I made the mistake of thinking that since they are adults, I should actually treat them like adults. I think about my own mother and how she always treated me like a child and I hated that. So perhaps I have overcompensated by trying not to behave like her in that respect - at least with my daughters. It is almost like when the girls were teenagers. One day I would wake up and I was supposed to treat them like adults and the next morning I would awake thinking I had it all figured out only to find a child in their bed. I just never really knew what day it was. We lived through those years and I guess until today I didn’t realize that some things never really change!

These two girls left home when they were eighteen. Now they are nearing forty. Who are they? Who am I? Where do we fit into each other’s lives? One day they are independent, middle aged women engaged in their own lives, mothering their own children, behaving like the adults they are, another day they are suddenly my best friend telling me their inmost secrets and fears, and then when I think I have it figured out and begin to express my secrets and fears to them, they back off like a scalded cat hissing that I am not behaving like a mother.

Perhaps they feel the same way, I don’t know? Maybe that is the way they see me also. Maybe I made a mistake thinking I could be their friend as well as their mother – on the same day. Maybe somehow they are time warped into 18 years olds and expect me to be where they left me those eons ago.

I know this has been a difficult year for all of us. Their Dad and I divorced after 35 years of marriage. Suddenly their Mom and Dad are individuals – no longer a couple. Mom and Dad have become independent social creatures living their own lives – dating (God forbid) – behaving badly sometimes – just generally sowing their wild oats and kicking up their respective (if not so respectable) heels. Probably this is just not acceptable behavior to eighteen year olds – these people are their parents – right there where they left them over 20 years ago.

But we aren’t in the same place and haven’t been for a long time. These girls moved away, dated, married, lived their lives, had children of their own and in the meantime back in Oklahoma their parents were also evolving - growing into themselves as individuals – becoming a man and woman no longer involved in child rearing.

Please never believe that I don’t enjoy being a mother and being there for my children. I am sure my son can assure you that when it comes down to the rub, I put my life on hold and dig in for the long haul. However, this hasn’t exactly been the easiest year of my life either. I love my children and my grandchildren more than life. But I do have a life. I am feeling my way back into another world and I am enjoying it. I am a mother, but I am also a woman. I want to share my passions with someone and I guess I thought for a moment that I could cross that line and pretend that my daughters wanted to be a part of that. But it “taint” so is it? My girls already have friends, but they only have one mother.

And so I search for the answer to my dilemma. I search for that person, a best friend, with whom I can share my inmost thoughts and those secrets that make the girls say “ick.” I need that – I deserve it as a woman. But, I won’t make the mistake again of blurring those boundaries between myself and my children. Because guess what? I am their MOTHER – and I love them more than life.

© 2005 Ilene Madrigal